The Handmaid's Tale
by onamaewa
Summary: Story now complete! Immediately following the events of Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, one of Amidala's handmaidens deals with an unexpected crisis, while Obi-Wan struggles with his Padawan, Anakin.
1.

Episode 12: The Handmaid's Tale, or Men are from Iridia, Women are from Naboo

**Episode 1.5:The Handmaid's Tale, _or_ Men are from Iridonia, Women are from Naboo**

**Chapter 1**

Saché, handmaiden to Queen Amidala,walked hurriedly through the corridors of the Queen's palace on Naboo.She passed through the reception hall and out into the garden.

At the far end of the garden she could see agroup of young Jedi and Padawan practicing with their lightsabers.As she neared the group, Saché put her head down and accelerated her pace.Obi-Wan was in the middle of the group, demonstrating the proper defensive posture, she noted with a quick glance.If she knew Obi-Wan, and oh, by the Force she _did_, it would be only a matter of moments before he began a reenactment of his fatal battle with the Sith Lord Darth Maul.Already a legend in his own mind, Saché thought scornfully.

Without realizing, Saché had paused to watch the young men and women at their training.Obi-Wan lifted his head and caught sight of her.He flicked off his lightsaber and walked to where she stood.

"Come to watch us?"

"No, Obi-Wan.I'm on an errand for the Queen."

"Isn't she in Coruscant for Senator Palpatine's inauguration as Chancellor?"

"She is, but I received an urgent holo-comm from her this morning."

"Is there trouble?"

Saché stared at Obi-Wan for a moment before replying.She would not divulge the contents of the message to a nosy probationary Jedi."It is not your concern Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes at Saché.Attempting to use the Force on me, she thought irritably.She dismissed him with a flick of her hand."Go back to your training, _Jedi_.I'm on the Queen's business."

Obi-Wan brought his face close to Saché's.His blue eyes glinted."I am a Jedi sworn to protect the Queen._Her _business is _mine_."

Saché jerked back."Stop playing Jedi Master, Obi-Wan!Your posturing bores me."

  


Obi-Wan grinned suddenly."Bores you!That's not what I hear from Sabé.She tells me you find me quite interesting, indeed."

Saché gritted her teeth."You are arrogant as only a Jedi can be, Obi-Wan!Sabé is mistaken.I have no interest in you.Perhaps it is _she _who finds you interesting.An untested Jedi is not to _my_ taste."

Obi-Wan rocked back on his heels and looked over his shoulder at the small group of Jedi and Padawan who continued their exercises."Untested?"He shot a glance at Saché."Darth Maul would not call me untested, would he Saché?"Saché snorted. Obi-Wan grinned again."And I think _you_ would not call me untested, either."He turned and sauntered back toward the group, flicking on his lightsaber once more.

Saché made a noise of disgust and quickly resumed her errand._Obi-Wan!As arrogant as they come_, she thought._I will gut Sabé when she returns from Coruscant with Queen Amidala_.Saché reentered the Palace, and moved down the long corridor leading to the Queen's audience chamber.Once inside, she gave a quick glance around and moved to the throne.She popped the hidden latch on the armrest, revealing a small compartment.Saché moved aside the Queen's blaster, which had proven so useful during Amidala's battle with the Federation droids."Where is it?"she muttered aloud, while rummaging blindly in the compartment.Her hand touched a familiar shape, and with a sigh of relief she pulled out the Queen's Club Theed 'Ruby Riot' lipstick.If she hurried, it could be on the afternoon shuttle to Coruscant.


	2. 

Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Clutching the Queen's favorite lipstick, Saché sped through the Palace toward the main hangar.A shortcut by way of the generator complex would save her at least five minutes, she realized, and she made a quick turn toward the utility wing.

As she approached the double doors, they silently slid open, revealing a menacing figure clad in a black cloak.Saché gave a tiny yelp of fear, startled at the unexpected apparition.The figure strode forward, pulling the concealing hood away from its head.Saché felt a moment of confused panic as the distinctively tattooed face of Sith Lord Darth Maul was revealed.His black-gloved hand reached for her.She thrust Queen Amidala's lipstick into Maul's face, and when he blinked, Saché pivoted to the left and darted through the door toward the melting pit.Maul spun to follow her, pulling off his cloak as he advanced.

Once through the double doors, Maul stared at Saché across the pit.He raised a hand and the doors slid shut.Saché watched the Sith intently, determined to keep the melting pit between them.She was too frightened to wonder how Darth Maul had survived his battle with Obi-Wan _and_ a fall into the melting pit.Maul simply stood and stared with his fearsome yellow eyes.Saché wished for Amidala's blaster, though now she doubted anything could kill the Sith.

With the grace and power of a tiger, Maul leaped across the melting pit to where Saché stood.She had no chance to move, so she merely waited, her heart pounding in her chest.Maul grasped her wrists and pinned her to the wall.Her feet dangled inches above the floor.

"Where are the Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi and his brat apprentice Anakin Skywalker?" Maul growled.His savage eyes stared so intensely Saché feared her skin would burn, but she would not allow her terror to show.

"I am woman, hear me roar," she muttered to bolster her confidence.A look of confusion flickered across Maul's face.Saché kicked at Maul's shins, but he neatly sidestepped her feet and released his grip, allowing her to drop to the floor.She pulled herself to her full height and glared at the Sith. "I thought Obi-Wan killed you.How could you possibly survive . . . "

"It was a flesh wound,"Maul cut her off impatiently."Just a scratch.A little antiseptic and I'm good as new, as you can see."He flung his hands outward as if inviting her inspection. 

"But Obi-Wan cut you right in half!You fell into the pit.It's not possible . . . "

Maul snarled."Jedi lies!He fled in terror once Jinn was dead and couldn't protect him."He thrust his face into Saché's."Where is that little candy-ass?"

Saché grimaced."Probably reenacting your dramatic death scene for a mob of adoring Padawan at this very moment._I could kill him!_"

  


Maul squinted appraisingly at Saché."I see you are no stranger to the Dark Side."

Saché shrugged."Even a Sith is no match for a woman with PMS."

With an alarmed look on his face, Maul took a step back."I see your point.Nevertheless, I must risk it . . ."

"What do you mean?"

"I want Obi-Wan and his young apprentice, and I want them to come to me.No more hunting from one loathsome planet to the next._You_ will come with me and _they_ will follow you."

Saché shook her head."No can do, Maul.The Queen needs this lipstick, and it's _my_ assignment to get it to her."

Maul sneered, "The Queen will have to wait.You _will_ come with me!"He grabbed Saché's wrist and dragged her toward the door.Saché realized she was no match for the Sith's power.For now, she would comply, but not without a final protest.

"I cannot answer for the consequences if the Queen is forced to face the Senate in 'Purple Dawn' lipstick.It makes her face look sallow."

Maul snorted and continued though the door, pulling Saché with him.


	3. 

Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Entering his room in the Queen's palace, Obi-Wan noted that his apprentice, Anakin Skywalker, had once again failed in his duties.The bed was unmade, dirty laundry was strewn on the floor and dust was everywhere.No doubt Ani was loitering around the hangar, making a nuisance of himself and trying to scrounge parts for a podracer he wanted to build.This, despite the fact that podracing was expressly forbidden on Naboo.

Obi-Wan moaned in frustration and fell into a chair piled with smelly underwear.He had never appreciated Qui-Gon's patience until he had a Padawan of his own to train.Ani was particularly difficult.The Force was strong with him and he had begun his training at a more advanced age than most Padawan.Obi-Wan often envied his fellow Jedi their more tractable apprentices.It reflected poorly on him that Ani was frequently absent from compulsory training exercises and refused to perform his assigned tasks."And with the Jedi Council watching my every move,"Obi-Wan muttered aloud.

The door flew open, slamming against the wall.Obi-Wan's autographed photo of Queen Amidala fell to the floor and shattered."Hey, Obi-Wan!" Anakin piped from the doorway.His clothing was rumpled and torn, and the tip of his Padawan braid appeared to have been dipped in engine oil.

Obi-Wan rose with difficulty from the laundry-filledchair.He glowered at Anakin."Padawan!You must remember to call me Master."

Anakin rolled his eyes and began tossing dirty laundry into a pile on the floor.Obi-Wan went on, "You missed compulsory training again today, Anakin.If you continue in this manner you will be expelled from the Jedi Academy."Anakin rooted under the bed and emerged with yet another dingy pair of boxers.He playfully tossed them at Obi-Wan's head.Obi-Wan snatched the boxers in midair and grabbed at Anakin's braid."I'll hang you by your hair, you little--"

A soft beep alerted Obi-Wan to an incoming holo-comm."Where is the receiver, Anakin?" he shouted, scanning the room in vain.

"Find it yourself, Dopey-Wan," Anakin sniggered, hooking a booger out of his nose and flicking at the Jedi.His oily braid slid from Obi-Wan's grasp and he made for the door as the exasperated Jedi aimed a kick at his butt.

Obi-Wan took a calming breathand used the power of the Force to locate the receiver unit under the latest issue of _Jedi Trainers' Quarterly_.A hologram of Captain Panaka, Queen Amidala's head of security, immediately began forming."Good afternoon, Captain Panaka."

"Kenobi, where is Saché?"The Captain was obviously agitated, and he had an odd purplish blotch on his left cheek.

  


"I saw her earlier.She said she was performing an important errand for the Queen."

Panaka shuddered."The Queen will not leave her chambers until it arrives.Without the Queen's participation, the inauguration ceremony cannot take place.The Senate is in an uproar.We have troops combing the planet for the right shade, but apparently it has been discontinued."

Obi-Wan was astounded."I have _no_ idea what you're talking about, Captain."

"The Queen's lipstick, you fool Jedi!She must have her 'Ruby Riot' lipstick!"Obi-Wan was too startled to attempt a reply to the distraught soldier's outburst.Panaka shook his head."My apologies, Kenobi.The stress . . . my blood pressure . . . "He sighed."Please see if you can find Saché.Her errand was to locate the Queen's lipstick and get it on the afternoon shuttle.The shuttle arrived, but no lipstick.The Queen is . . . angry."

"An obvious understatement, Captain.I will do as you ask."

"My thanks, Obi-Wan Kenobi,"Panaka said formally.

Obi-Wan squinted at the hologram."Captain Panaka, your face . . . "

Panaka raised a hand to his cheek."'Purple Dawn,'" he said disconsolately."I suggested the Queen wear it instead and she _attacked_ me with it.It makes her face look sallow . . ."

"Yours, too,"Obi-Wan offered helpfully.

Captain Panaka nodded and ended the transmission.Obi-Wan turned to survey the chaos in his room.Clean up would have to wait.In the name of galactic peace and harmony, he would locate the Queen's lipstick.


	4. 

Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Aboard the Sith Infiltrator, Saché sat in the cockpit alongside Darth Maul.It had been remarkably easy for Maul to make his way from the generator complex to the main hanger where his ship waited.No one challenged him.He strode forward with an intensity and confidence Saché found awe-inspiring.Once on the ship, only moments passed before they were leaving Naboo behind.

"Where are we going?"Saché asked Maul.

"That is not your concern.It is a secret place, known only to my Master and myself."

"Sort of a Sithy bachelor pad, then?"

Maul ignored her.Saché sat back and studied him frankly as he checked the various digital displays.Though she knew he was of the Dark Side, a Lord of the Sith, she couldn't help but be attracted to him.He had a tangible aura of power and an intensity of focus that stopped her breath when he targeted her with his laserlike stare. 

"So, have you got a girl, Maul?"Saché couldn't help herself.She knew it was the wrong move to make with a guy like him.He probably preferred less aggressive women."A wife?A concubine?Fiancée?Significant other?POSSLQ?"

Maul turned and bared his teeth in a snarl."If you don't shut up, I will lock you in the hold."

Far from being frightened, Saché found the Sith Lord increasingly attractive.She moved to his side, and as he attended to his navigational tasks, she reached a finger toward one of his horns.Maul recoiled so violently that his elbow connected with the steering mechanism.The ship veered suddenly, throwing Saché and Maul to the floor.As Saché pulled herself to her feet, the Sith loomed over her.

"Girl . . . " he growled through clenched teeth.

"Woman."

"What?!"

"Don't call me girl.I am a woman.I'm not going to stand for that macho male-dominance crap from anyone, Sith or Jedi."

For the second time in an hour, Darth Maul looked confused.Saché was beginning to like it.It made him seem more vulnerable, almost cuddly.

  


Maul eyed Saché uneasily.He had begun to regret this whole course of action.He had a bad feeling about this . . ."You."(He was careful to avoid both 'girl' and 'woman.')"Sit there and do not move again.In a few hours we will be landing.I will chain you then if I must."

Saché laughed giddily and subsided into her seat.At the moment, Maul was as flustered as she.This might be a most interesting experience--for both of them.

**********

The Infiltrator continued on course toward a destination Saché couldn't even begin to guess at.Bored, she amused herself by imagining the patterns Maul's tattoos might take below his neck.Geometric, of course.Lines, triangles, zigzags.Hmmm, perhaps a swirl or two, on his . . . _No, no!_Saché suppressed the image in her mind, shaking her head involuntarily._Don't even go there!_Her palms were beginning to sweat.

_Hmmm_ . . .Saché had heard, in the old tales the Queen's handmaidens often amused themselves with, that the symbol of the Sith was a black sun, and that each Sith had a black sun tattooed somewhere on his body as a sign of his allegiance to the Dark Side of the Force.Where was Darth Maul's?She would quite enjoy hunting for it, and when she found the tattoo, she would . . . _No!NO!_Saché scrubbed her damp palms against the fabric of her dress, then fanned her face.She hoped they would reach their destination before she dissolved into a hot little puddle of goo.

At the controls of the Infiltrator, Darth Maul was uncomfortably aware of Saché's scrutiny.She was watching him like a cat at a mousehole.He could sense the direction her thoughts were taking and he felt . . . alarmed.The Sith used the Force to project an aura of menace around himself, but it seemed that the more menacing his aura, the greater her attraction.He risked a brief glance at Saché._By the Black Sun!The woman is licking her lips!_Maul riveted his eyes on the viewscreen, willing their destination to appear.Inside his leather gloves, Darth Maul's palms began to sweat.


	5. 

Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

Obi-Wan had spent hours in a fruitless search for Saché.No one had seen her. The Queen's handmaiden had seemingly disappeared.

Returning to his room, Obi-Wan found Anakin sprawled on his bed, feet on the wall, reading a _Jedi Knight_ comic book.The bed covers were sprinkled liberally with cookie crumbs."Off my bed, brat!"Obi-Wan bellowed.

Unconcerned, Anakin rolled onto his stomach."Master, you must call me Padawan," he said sweetly, with a mocking gleam in his eye.

"I'll call you the devil's spawn!"

Anakin allowed tears to well up in his eyes."M-m-mommy,"he began to wail."Master Qui-G-g-gon!"

"Oh, spare me the tears,"Obi-Wan scoffed."You turn them on and off like a faucet."

Anakin's tears did indeed cease immediately.He shot Obi-Wan a look of pure loathing that gave the Jedi a brief moment's unease.Yoda's oft-repeated mantra echoed in his mind:_Fear leads to anger.Anger leads to hate.Hate leads to suffering._

_Well_, Obi-Wan thought ruefully._We've gone clear past the fear and anger and are well into the hate and suffering.And_ I'm _the one who's suffering_.

Ani cocked his head as if listening to Obi-Wan's thoughts.His eyes glazed and his breathing became harsh."Join me on the Dark Side . . . Together we will rule the galaxy," he intoned in a hollow voice.

The hair on Obi-Wan's neck stood up.Really, he was beginning to doubt the boy's sanity.At the very least, he was possessed.Yes, thanks to Qui-Gon, he was saddled with a psycho-Padawan.Once the lipstick crisis was behind him, he would have to approach the Council to see if he could somehow shed this abomination.His promise to Qui-Gon be damned.He was sure Mace Windu would support him.He'd wager Windu couldn't resist even a postmortem jab at Qui-Gon.Well, it might all work out.

  


He deserved a _nice_ apprentice, Obi-Wan thought.One who looked up to him and appreciated the wisdom and experience he had to impart.One who'd "Yes, Master" his every utterance the way he'd done for that boring old fart, Qui-Gon.Obi-Wan considered his years of apprenticeship.The endless bowing and scraping, fetching and carrying, serving tea and cookies to Qui-Gon's lame friends, and always, _always_ that droning voice, "Patience, young Padawan . . . Patience, young Padawan," until Obi-Wan was ready to make like a Sith and rise up and slay his Master.Luckily, a Sith _had_ risen up and slain his Master _for_ him!Darth Maul . . .

". . . is still alive,"Anakin said.

Obi-Wan forgot to breathe for a moment.Once more, he was stunned by Ani's seeming ability to read his mind.He studied Anakin, who had recovered from his trance-like state while the Jedi was lost in thought."Darth Maul is dead, Anakin,"he managed to reply.

"Oh, no, Flabby-Wan.He's _alive_.I saw him in the main hangar an hour ago.He had Saché with him.They got into his ship and took off.Whoooosh!"Anakin's hand 'whooshed' past Obi-Wan's nose.

Obi-Wan sat down hard.This was bad.This was very, very bad.Darth Maul alive?When the Sith Lord had slipped in that pool of vomit (Obi-Wan just couldn't _help_ it after seeing poor old Qui-Gon run through like that!) and shot into the melting pit, Obi-Wan had been astonished at his good fortune.He put it down to the will of the Force, and when recounting his story to the Jedi Council had, of course, left out the embarrassing parts and embellished his deeds ever so slightly.After all, he was already being hailed as a hero, and surely it didn't hurt to encourage that?What hero had ever defeated his adversary by hurling all over his own boots?Now his lies (not to mention Darth Maul) had come back to haunt him.

Obi-Wan whimpered and buried his head in his hands as Anakin stood over him, smirking."C'mon, Grubby-Wan,"the small demon chortled."We'd better pack."

"Pack?"Obi-Wan croaked.

"For our trip." 

Obi-Wan stared in bafflement at Anakin, who shook his head pityingly."_You_ know, Scabby-Wan.Our trip to Yavin 4.We've gotta follow Darth Maul, kill him and bring back Saché.And we've gotta do it before anyone finds out what _really_ happened at the melting pit,"Anakin finished with a gleeful lilt in his voice.

The Jedi was so overcome with the horror of his predicament that he didn't think to wonder how his Padawan knew Maul's destination.Obi-Wan knew Anakin was right-- he had to follow Darth Maul to almost certain death.If he didn't, well, being called 'Vomit Boy' and 'Barf-Boots' by his fellow Jedi would be the least of the humiliations he would suffer.Death (as long as it was not _too_ protracted or painful) was preferable.

Obi-Wan rose to his feet.Anakin was already cramming clothing into Obi-Wan's standard-issue 'Jedi-beige' Corellian Tourister duffle."This is gonna be wizard, Tubby-Wan," he trilled.

  


The stricken Jedi's knees buckled and he slid to the floor and remained there, nearly comatose with dread and fear, while his cheery Padawan continued to pack.


	6. 

Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Unable to bear the tedium of the flight any longer, Saché jumped up from her seat.At the same instant, Darth Maul also leaped to his feet, hand poised near his lightsaber.Saché gave him a considering look."Maul, you don't strike me as the nervous type.Get a grip and tell me where the bathroom is."

The Sith Lord recovered his composure and wordlessly jerked his head toward the rear of the ship.Saché was tempted to pinch his butt as she passed, but Maul was on guard and kept his back to the wall.

Saché made her way down a narrow corridor and found what she was really after--Maul's sleeping chamber.Appropriately for a ship like the Infiltrator, it was small, merely a place to catch a moment's rest on a long journey, but it would surely hold a few clues that would help Saché to interpret her fascinating captor.She noiselessly slipped the latch and entered.The tiny rectangular room contained a bunk, a cabinet and not much else.Either Maul preferred a monk-like austerity, or being a Sith paid even less well than Saché's job.

The gray metal walls were bare.The bunk was covered with a black blanket.Saché peeked beneath it.Black sheets--_What else?_No black jammies under the pillow, though.Did he sleep naked?_Ugh!Don't start!_ she chided herself.

Saché opened the cabinet.Oh, this was better!A box of lightsaber parts and a book, _The Time-Life Guide to Making and Repairing Your Lightsaber_.Another box containing only books.Saché inspected the titles._Chicken Soup for the Sith Soul.Zen and the Art of Sith Speeder Maintenance_._The Bantha Whisperer_._The Bridges of Alderaan County_.Hmmm, Maul apparently had an inexplicable taste for mawkish literature.She lifted her eyes from the books.A black robe hung on a hook next to a grayish rag.Saché pulled the rag down and stepped back into the light to examine it.It proved to be the remains of a T-shirt, probably once black (_Duh!_).Its faded lettering read, "Sith Lords Kick Ass."It probably held some sentimental value for Maul, since it had been carefully hung.

Saché returned the tattered scrap to its hook and turned her attention to the robe.It was a simple, elegant garment, identical to the one Maul now wore.Just a spare, then, Saché guessed. She stroked the fabric and found it surprisingly soft, suggesting that Sith did not deny themselves all comfort.Impulsively, she buried her nose in the robe and inhaled.Spice . . .wine, leather . . . and a hint of sweat.Gods!The smell of him made her knees weak.In a blissful fog, Saché removed her handmaidens' dress and slipped on Darth Maul's robe.Though miles too big across the shoulders and long enough in the arms to hide her fingertips, the length was near-perfect.Saché gave an astonished giggle._Why, he's barely taller than me!_She wrapped the robe's wide sash around and around her waist, tied the ends in a neat knot and went in search of a mirror.


	7. 

Chapter 7

Chapter 7 

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight (at least for now), strode purposefully toward the main hangar at the Queen's Palace at Theed on the planet of Naboo.After his initial shock and dismay (to put it mildly) at discovering the continued existence of Darth Maul, he had recovered admirably (if he _did_ say so himself) and was now intent on rescuing Saché, the Queen's handmaiden, from Maul's clutches.Behind Obi-Wan marched his loyal and devoted (only a _slight_ exaggeration) Padawan, Anakin Skywalker.Together, the intrepid duo would set forth on their perilous (no exaggeration _there_) mission, defeat the evil Sith, recover the Queen's precious lipstick, and return to Theed in triumph (and hopefully, no later than Tuesday night, when the season finale of _Buffy, the Sith-Slayer_ was scheduled to air).

"Obi-Wan!"Anakin's breathless voice interrupted the Jedi's thoughts."Slow down!I can't go any faster dragging this stupid luggage of yours."

Obi-Wan stopped and wheeled around to face his Padawan."_You_ packed it, brat.Now deal with it."

Anakin's fury was evident in his face.The boy raised his hand and pinched his fingers together.Obi-Wan felt a tickle in his throat, a slight tightening.He coughed, then sneezed.Ani's face fell.Obi-Wan laughed humorlessly."Trying to use a Force choke on me, are you?You have a long way to go, Padawan, before I have anything to fear from _you_."_Thank the Force_, he commented silently."When we return from this mission, I will have something to say to the Jedi Council about your behavior.There will no doubt be a review of your status and it is possible that you will be expelled.Yoda was right.There _is_ too much anger in you, and I, for one, am just _sick_ and _tired_ of having to put up with it!"

Anakin hung his head and sighed."You're right, Master Obi-Wan, sir.I'm a bad Padawan.I don't deserve to be a Jedi like you.I guess the Council will send me back to Tatooine."

"You're not bad, Anakin,"Obi-Wan said, mollified by the boy's repentance."Just misguided and impetuous.Why, when _I_ was a Padawan, I often--"

"--used a Force choke on Master Qui-Gon?" Anakin offered eagerly.

"Why, no!I never would have _dreamed_ of--"

"--crossing the wires in his lightsaber so he got a painful, near-fatal shock?"

"No!! . . . uh, Anakin, have you--"

  


"--put poisonous dakk'a bugs in your clean underwear?Why, no, Obi-Wan, _sir_.I would _never_ do such a thing."Anakin grinned."Well, let's be on our way, Master.I've enjoyed hearing these most interesting stories of your youthful pranks, but Darth Maul must be halfway to Yavin 4 by now.We don't want to give him _too_ much time to secure the Sith temple."

Obi-Wan goggled at Anakin."Sith temple?!How do you know so much about Maul and his plans?How do you even know he's headed for the moons of Yavin?"

Anakin looked down at the floor, where what appeared to be a dakk'a bug was scurrying away from Obi-Wan's duffle.He surreptitiously crushed it with his toe before replying."Oh, he told me."

"You actually _spoke_ with him?What exactly did he say?"

"He said, 'Tell Candy-Ass Kenobi I'm waiting for him at the deserted Sith temple on Yavin 4.Tell him to bring his lightsaber.Tell him to hurry.Tell him he's going to die.'He was _cool_."

"C-cc-c-ool?"Into Obi-Wan's mind came a picture of his bloody corpse, lying on the cold stone floor of a Sith temple on the Force-forsaken fourth moon of Yavin.He felt what courage he had managed to scratch together bleat and roll over with its feet in the air.

"Yeah, wizard!How come Jedi don't get tattoos?"

Still contemplating his forthcoming tragic demise, Obi-Wan answered absently."Well, some do.Master Qui-Gon, for instance, had a really lovely one of Master Yoda on his--"He hesitated, but Anakin yanked the image from his mind.

"_On his ASS?!!_"Anakin shrieked with incredulous laughter."And how do _you_ know?"

Obi-Wan blushed furiously."He . . . he _told_ me.And just _shut up_ about it!"

"Wooo-hooo!"Anakin hooted."I'm sure Qui-Gon and Yoda had a very _special_ relationship.It's quite nauseat--pardon me, _touching_-- to imagine!"

Obi-Wan sputtered wordlessly as Anakin turned and began dragging the duffle toward the hangar.After a moment he attempted to follow, but sprawled on his face at the first step.Obi-Wan's howl of rage echoed through the marble halls.The brat had used the Force to tie his bootlaces together.


	8. 

Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Darth Maul, Lord of the Sith, hummed a little tune as he piloted his ship toward the fourth moon of Yavin.The _Woman_ had left him alone for some time now.She was off doing _Woman_ things, somewhere.Fine, let her.As long as she stayed away from him, he was content.He would have to be wary once they were off the ship, however.He would need to monitor her more closely, and therein lay the danger to himself.The power of her desire for him was overwhelming.It rolled off her in hot waves, like the heat of the Tatooine sun.It was far stronger than his own hatred of the Jedi, and he feared he would be consumed by it if she so much as touched him.

Maul was suddenly alert at the sound of footsteps behind him._Oh, gods, she has returned to torment me once more._He turned reluctantly._What_--_?A female Sith!How is it possible?_Darth Maul rose from his seat in horror.Why, she even had red and black tattoos like _he_ did.Was this some nefarious plot of his Master's?Was he to be replaced by a _female_?Maul's hand crept to his lightsaber.

"Maul, please!This virginal skittishness is _so_ un-Sithly!_Must_ you jump like a bunny whenever I look at you?"

By the power of the Dark Side!It was the _Woman_.And dressed in his second best robe, too!But, what was that on her face?Not a tattoo, after all.It was--

"What do you think of my new look?" Saché asked flirtatiously."I did my face with the Queen's 'Ruby Riot' lipstick and a black marker I found in your room.Very time-consuming, but not a bad job, if I do say so myself.Do you like it, Maul?Do you find it attractive?"

Saché moved toward Maul.Maul moved backward.Saché took another step forward.Maul moved back again.He was now pressed against the bulkhead, which allowed him to protect his rear, but gave him nowhere to retreat.Very well, he would fight to the death if he must._What was he saying?_This was not an adversary to be feared.She had not even the skills of a Jedi apprentice._She_ was _his_ captive.

"Maul, we need to talk," Saché said."We need to discuss our relationship."

"There is nothing to discuss.You are my captive.That is the extent of our _relationship_."

"Exactly my point.Our relationship is completely one-sided.I'm very open about my feelings for you, but you never open up to me.I can't be in a relationship by myself!"

Maul snarled."Listen to me, _Woman_!_There is no relationship_!"

  


"I'm attracted to you in a way that horrifies even _me_." The handmaiden began to pace back and forth in front of the cornered Sith. "How do you think _I_ feel?" she complained."I became a handmaiden because I thought I'd get to travel and meet a lot of Jedi._Ha!_The only man I spend any time with is that pompous, smirking fossil, Chancellor-Elect Palpatine."

Maul's lips twitched.Saché continued, "Now I find myself hopelessly enraptured by a Sith!You're feared and reviled throughout the galaxy.You're right--what future do we have--an orphaned Zabrakian from Iridonia and a 'nice' girl from Naboo?It can never work.Oh!_Why_ do I always fall in love with the wrong guy?The only way it could _ever_ work out between us is if--"Saché paused mid-stride and turned to Maul, who shrank back, unsure of what this new mood swing would bring.The _Woman_ had a feverish look.

"Maul,"Saché burst out, "Why don't you rise up and slay your Master and take _me_ as your apprentice?"

Maul blinked, considering.He did not feel _quite_ ready for that task.Still . . . with the _Woman_'s help, it might be possible.On the other hand, the _Woman_ was powerful in ways Darth Maul could not understand or predict.What would happen as her power grew?How long would he _remain_ the Master?No, it was too risky.Once he finally got rid of Sidious, he intended to enjoy a nice, long run as the Master of a more biddable apprentice than the _Woman_ would make."No,"he finally replied.

Saché laughed hoarsely."A man of few words.You say one word for every fifty that I say, and just the sound of that one word is enough to give me butterflies in my stomach."Saché pressed closer to the Sith, closing her eyes."Maul--"

Darth Maul vaulted over her head ran for the rear of the ship.Saché clutched at his robe as he flew by, but he was too fast."Damn it, Maul!This isn't natural!" she shouted after him."I'm beginning to wonder about you!"

Saché followed Maul down the corridor.She paused in the door to his chamber, scanning the bare little space.With the suddenness of a rattlesnake striking, Darth Maul launched himself from behind a door across the corridor, and with a well-placed kick to her back, propelled Saché into his sleeping chamber.He slammed the door shut, locked it and placed the key in the innermost folds of his robe.

_And there she will remain_, he thought with great relief and satisfaction._Now, back to Naboo_.


	9. 

Chapter 9 

**Chapter 9**

Obi-Wan sat at the controls of the small starship he had chosen for his mission."Ani, strap yourself in.It's time to go."

Anakin obeyed quickly, causing Obi-Wan to reflect ruefully on his Padawan's eagerness to witness his Master's death. A bubble of despair welled up inside him."I can't do this," he moaned.

"I find your lack of faith . . . disturbing," Anakin intoned from the seat beside him.

"Cut that out, Ani," Obi-Wan snapped irritably."It creeps me out when you use that voice.What are you supposed to be, some kind of--"He turned his head to the hangar doors, where a movement had caught his eye."_Force Almighty!_" the Jedi exclaimed."What is that?"

Anakin peered through the viewscreen at the dark ship entering the hangar. "Yippee!It's Darth Maul!" he crowed.

Obi-Wan stared grimly at the Infiltrator.Apparently, his life was about to come to an even more rapid end."Anakin, stay on the ship," he ordered, then Obi-Wan Kenobi rose from his seat, removed his lightsaber from his belt and went to meet Darth Maul.

He waited on the floor of the hangar as Darth Maul strode down the ramp of his ship.For a moment, the two adversaries stared at one another, then Obi-Wan raised his lightsaber and flicked it on."Maul, release the Queen's handmaiden."

"Gladly, Jedi."

Obi-Wan's head jerked._It can't be this easy.It must be a trick._He tightened his grip on his lightsaber and prepared for the coming assault.Maul remained standing on the ramp.Obi-Wan's brow furrowed.He lowered his lightsaber and straightened."Maul,"he said in an exasperated voice."Let's get the show on the road.You ain't gonna kill me with that stare."

The Sith gritted his teeth."I'm not going to kill you at all.I need your--"His voice seemed to fail.

"You need my _what_?"Obi-Wan couldn't imagine what Darth Maul needed from _him_, unless it was his heart and spleen on a dish.

"--your HELP!"Maul howled."Help me!Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi!You're my only hope!"

"Help you?Well, okay, I guess I can give you a hand . . . _Wait a minute!_Is this some scheme to turn me to the Dark Side?" Obi-Wan studied the Sith suspiciously.

  


Darth Maul raised his hands placatingly."No, no.It's not that.It's that _handmaiden_.That _Woman_.I must get her off my ship.She is a danger to me."_And she might be one to you as well, you Light-side wuss_._But that's _your_ look-out._

Obi-Wan shrugged."Saché?Dangerous?I always thought she was kind of sweet.And sweet on me, too, if you catch my drift.But, okay, lead me to her."

The improbable allies against the forces of womanhood entered the Infiltrator.Maul led Obi-Wan to the locked door of his sleeping chamber."She is within," he said."We will have to restrain her.Use the Force.She has powers you can only imagine."

"Saché is strong with the Force?"Obi-Wan asked, unbelieving.

"Not the Force.Something else.The power of an unholy lust."

"Lust?For . . . for _you_?Gosh, Maul, women are strange, aren't they?I never would've pegged you for a babe magnet."

Maul picked a piece of lint off his sleeve and smiled."Kenobi, you should try the Dark Side sometime.It's not all gloom and doom. There are . . . _compensations_."He winked."Some women _like_ black leather and tattoos."

Obi-Wan's eyebrows rose."_Really_?Hmmm . . . thanks for the tip."

"Use it wisely, Jedi.Now--"He gestured at the door."Shall we?Uh, you first."

*******

Anakin peered through the viewscreen at the Infiltrator.It had been some time since Obi-Wan and Darth Maul had gone inside.He had spent the time productively, short-sheeting Obi-Wan's bunk, clipping holes in his trouser pockets, and turning every pair of the Jedi's socks inside out.Now he was bored.Oh, wait--here they were now, looking somewhat disheveled.Obi-Wan seemed to have a bloody nose, and Darth Maul was limping and cursing with every step.(Anakin mentally filed away a few choice expletives for later use.)Between them, the Sith and the Jedi carried a roiling, seething, shrieking, blanketed bundle.A foot shot out and connected with the side of Maul's head.He lost his grip on the bundle, which went down, bringing Obi-Wan with it.Saché shot out of the constricting blanket and would have gotten loose had Maul not simply 

thrown himself down upon her.

"Sith and Jedi sandwich with handmaiden filling," Anakin snickered.

  


After struggling awkwardly for a few moments, Maul and Obi-Wan eventually managed to roll Saché back up in the blanket, whereupon Obi-Wan sat on her."All right, Maul," he panted, wiping the blood from his nose with his sleeve."Make your move.I can hold her for a few moments, at least."

"My thanks, Obi-Wan Kenobi."Maul bowed his head."However, I have a final request.I ask that you kill me."

"_Kill_ you?"

"Honor demands that I die.I sought the help of a Jedi.I _cannot_ be indebted to a _Jedi_.I must die."

"No, Maul.The Jedi Code forbids it.But, there is something you can do for me that will erase the debt.Th-that . . . _incident_ . . . at the melting pit.I would be grateful if you did not mention it to anyone.If Yoda found out, bantha poo-doo I would be."

Maul smirked."And how do I explain my existence, Jedi?"

"Oh, _I_ don't know!Couldn't you just make up some story about Zabrakians having the ability to regenerate?"

Maul was impressed."A fine lie, Jedi.And one that will serve to intimidate my enemies.Kenobi, we are even then.However, should we meet another time--"

Obi-Wan nodded."No quarter.None asked, none given."

"MAUL!"Saché shrieked from beneath Obi-Wan, as the realization of their bargain struck her."You can't do this to me!You can't leave me like this!I'll find you--I know where you live!I'll come for you.I'll track you down to the ends of the galaxy!"

Obi-Wan watched in amazement as Darth Maul's face paled.The Sith staggered weakly backward, never taking his eyes off the raging handmaiden.

"Maul, _come back here!_" Saché demanded furiously.She began to struggle in her blanket-cocoon, kicking and flailing.Obi-Wan used the Force to restrain her, as Maul hastened into his ship and sped away from Naboo.

Obi-Wan stared thoughtfully after Darth Maul. He guessed the Sith would make tracks for the far side of the galaxy and remain there as long as possible.It might be a while before the Council heard that Maul was still alive.He smiled.The Force _was_ still with him.

"Well--"Obi-Wan turned his attention to Saché, who had ceased to struggle as soon as the Infiltrator had left the hangar.He peeled the blanket back and squinted at her face."Let me guess . . . 'Ruby Riot'?"Saché nodded sullenly."Any left?"

  


"A bit."

"Shall we head for Coruscant?If we hurry, the Chancellor-Elect's inauguration can take place tomorrow morning.I'll be glad to have him in office.Things will be changing for the better."

Saché nodded again.Obi-Wan rose to his feet and helped the handmaiden to hers.As they headed for the waiting starship, Saché studied the Jedi from the corner of her eye and smiled.She reached out a finger and lightly touched the cleft in his chin."So, have you got a girl, Obi-Wan?A wife?A concubine?Fiancée?Significant other?POSSLQ?"

Obi-Wan smiled weakly as he wondered exactly how far it _was_ to the far side of the galaxy.

END


End file.
